my top three.

below are three of the most important lessons i learned from the city.

1.) it’s ok to want to be alone.

i’m not sure exactly when this happened, but i do know that at some point on my adventure, i discovered the beauty and simplicity of existing unaccompanied. in such a vast and crowded city, one might assume being alone to be impossible, but it isn’t so. new york taught me how to slip like a ghost into the crowd – to become invisible – and i loved it. she swallowed me and sheltered me, and in the silence that is this city’s roar, i was reintroduced to myself.

2.) my dream can be attained.

i think i went into this new york experience with much more doubt than i realized – doubt in my future, in myself. for example, people are always asking my parents how i like school.

“what is she studying?” they inquire.
“oh she loves it,” they tell everyone. “she’s studying theater.”

this is most often followed with an “oh good”, a semi-genuine smile, slight pause, and then, “what does she plan on doing with that?”

my parents take turns answering this one, but their answers are always the same.
“well, she’s going to act.”

their answer seems confident and matter-of-fact, but truthfully, i know they are as scared for me as whomever they are speaking with. this business is a tough one – and they do want so desperately for me to succeed – yet in the back of their minds they are aware of what a slim chance that actually is. from the very start, they’ve done their best to keep me grounded, humble, and realistic. however, when i arrived in new york and began seeing musicals with my own eyes, i was immediately conflicted. on one hand, i was desperately afraid of never getting my own chance in the spotlight, and on the other hand, my confidence was boosted immensely.

“i can sing just as good as these women can,” i remember thinking. “i can act too. i have a big smile and a warm, open heart. i know now, more than ever, that this is going to happen for me.”

and it will. attainable dream. period.

3.) first impressions deserve second chances.

i spent a month in the city of the stage with six other people – only one of whom i really knew. i had preconceived notions attached to everyone – no exceptions – and yet one of my favorite parts of my adventure was watching everyone’s curtain rise, revealing souls that i had never seen, people i hadn’t taken the time to know. new york taught me new things about each person, things i see now and love. i cultivated relationships, and i walked away with a couple of the best i’ve had.

thanks, nyc, for shoving me out of my comfort zone and into the lives of some truly amazing individuals.

soup line.

(from our very first time serving the soup line, this monologue has been forming in my thoughts. it needs to be worked and developed, but i'd like to think there is a little potential lurking somewhere.)

oh my gosh, what am i doing here? i don’t belong. i don’t know what i thought this would be like, but whatever it was, it’s not. these people are judging me, i know it..

they are probably thinking “what a stupid, spoiled little white girl – shivering and trying to look friendly. of course she’s cold, she’s wearing a disgusting little designer skirt and tights.. well that’s too bad, little lady. what the hell do you know about being hungry, anyway? about being poor?”

i can see contempt in their eyes and on their faces, and they have every right to look that way. they’re right. i’ve never known what it’s like to go hungry or to spend a night on a park bench. i don’t know what it feels like to wonder where or when the next meal is coming or to wander in search of shelter on a bitter cold night.

but the thing is, i do know what it’s like to feel alone – to feel that every person, just for a moment, has completely turned their back. i promise, you guys, i can identify with you there.

and so go ahead, make assumptions and judge me too harshly. but do know this: know that today, at this moment, one less person is turning their back, and one more is stepping out of her comfort zone into the battle that is your life.

goodbye.

i said goodbye to new york tonight.

goodbye to the lights and to the stages.

to times square and to broadway.

to the place where i belong.

where i’ve always belonged.

tonight i said goodbye to the girl i was before i came.

goodbye to doubt and insecurity.

to holding back and to being scared.

to everything i thought i knew.

because i didn’t know.

i said goodbye to my heart tonight.

goodbye to my soul and the core of my being.

to every word that has flowed from the mouth of the actress in me.

they all live here now, yearning to be retrieved.

i will retrieve them.

tonight i waved to new york.

i waved from the corner of 42^nd and 7^th.

from the entrance to the subway.

from a daughter of grass and space.

to the place where stories live.

goodbye, i said.

and i waved.

and i said hello, again, to my dream.

nyc: day22.

day twenty-two – the last of this adventure. i chose to spend it alone, and i wouldn’tve had it any other way.

i slept in this morning – by accident, actually – although it felt wonderful. kim stopped by early in the afternoon to pick us up for lunch. the group had decided to eat at the same cubin place we visited the other day. i had already eaten (avocado on wheat thins), so i walked with them to the restaurant and then parted ways.

i’m sure it’s no surprise that i was headed for times square. it’s my favorite place in the city, so naturally i wanted to spend my last day there. i love watching the people rush by and seeing the signs on all of the theaters. i love that i am in such close proximity to such passionate people and their work, and i love that i can see the street sign that says broadway. i am actually – finally – here.

i set up camp in my favorite spot in my favorite starbucks with my favorite drink (venti 6-pump chai) and went to work on my writing. it was so cold outside, but my heart was warm and happy, and i was willing myself not to think of this being the last time – for a long time – that i would be there.

around six, i hurried over to the theater housing rock of ages and dropped my name in the lottery. i was feeling lucky, so i decided to chance it. in the end, i’m glad i did, as i got the very last ticket of the lottery. super stoked, i ducked back into starbucks to wait for the show. i ordered one more tea, coincidentally ending up right beside laura linney, who happened to be in line as well. star-struck for only a moment, i was pleased to learn that she also drinks a venti chai. we chatted for a minute, and i wished her luck in her performance for tonight. no big deal.

(except for it is a big deal.)

anyway, while i waited for the show, i had the most wonderful conversation with my sister – i miss her terribly, and i cannot wait to see her when i get home.

shortly before eight o’clock, armed with my usual peanut mm’s (thanks kim), i walked across the street to the theater. at the door, i was handed not only a program but a small flashlight resembling a cigarette lighter – i had a sense that this was going to be quite the experience.

i was certainly right, but i thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the show. it was so different than anything i had seen thus far, and i didn’t mind a bit. the music was great – not to mention impressively performed – and i even found myself waving my lighter in the air with the rest of the audience.

oh gosh.

after the show, i strolled over to a restaurant called juniors. they are famous for their cheesecake, and i had been waiting until this very night to check it out. i walked in, asked for a table for one, and immediately ordered a piece of the sugar-free cheesecake and a glass of water. i’m sure my waiter, tom, thought i was completely mental, but to be honest, i couldn’t have been enjoying myself any more. i delighted in each bite of my cheesecake, soaking in as much of the city as i could from inside the busy eatery. upon the arrival of a text from jordan (he had seen a show as well, and we had planned on riding back together), i paid my tab, thanked tom, and sidled back onto the street.

i took my time walking to the subway station, even though it was only a few blocks away. i was savoring each step in the same way i had savored my dessert. when i finally reached the subway station, i took a moment to turn around and gaze at the city one last time. the scene brought tears to my eyes, tears that lingered long after i had boarded the subway.

this place has not only changed my life for good, but inspired me in a way i didn’t think was possible. my heart aches at the thought of leaving tomorrow, even though i know i will be here again.

i have fallen in love with the world in you, new york – i can only hope you feel the same. promise you won’t forget me.

i know i’ll never forget you.

nyc: day21.

hello from the city, friends – it’s lovely to see you again.

day twenty-one started out snowy, but i was nestled cozily in my bed. fortunately, by the time i exited the apartment, most of the snow was melted and the sun had emerged. i was on my way to meet kim for lunch. we had a few options, but ended up deciding on a cute little peruvian restaurant near her apartment. inside, the place was incredibly quaint, and we were two of about four diners, one of whom was seated at the table next to us – beautiful ulla from swedan. she was such a fine, dainty woman with the most charming accent. at the end of the meal we each exchanged information – heck, if we ever go to swedan, maybe we can meet up.

our meal was delicious – kim and i decided to split an appetizer and an entrée. thus, the course began with bit of shrimp enveloped by a sort of spicy mashed potato. this was interesting – the taste was unlike anything i’ve known – good, but different, and the two of us were surprised to find that the dish was served cold. the second portion was vegetarian omelet – asparagus, red peppers, mushrooms, and goat cheese – served with salad, bread and jam, and the best french fries i’ve had. there was absolutely no grease on them – kim thinks maybe they were cooked in water or something.

how cool is that?

then for dessert, we walked down the block to a place called sweet revenge. it supposedly has the best cupcakes in new york, but in my opinion, there’s no question about it. kim had a cup of coffee and the “fleur de something”, which was so amazingly sinful – the thing melted in your mouth – and i chose the “pure”, flavored entirely with mexican vanilla and topped with the tastiest frosting i’ve ever eaten.

and i am an expert on frosting. seriously.

anyway, after we finished eating, we walked a while, browsing, and then parted ways – kim in the direction of a few more shops, and i in the direction of the strand bookstore. on the way, i ducked into a really neat glasses store, made up a random prescription, and in no time, i was trying on designer eye glasses. they were all super cute, but my heart was stolen by a geekish pair of betsy johnsons. the woman helping me was such a good salesperson that i was almost convinced i was nearsighted, and had to dash away before i found myself buying them.

close call, but a definitely a hoot.

i never made it to strand – after the eye glasses incident, i decided to head back to the apartment. i made it there with just enough time to make myself a cup of tea before having to take off again for my last nycares assignment. tonight i was reading bedtime stories at the jenny clarke transitional shelter. my partners turned out to be two of the cutest little black boys – michael and jamal. they were so rambunctious at first, but it only took minutes for them to calm down, michael to pick a book, and jamal to slither onto my lap. the time passed so quickly – in what seemed like minutes it was time to say goodnight.

i drug my tired body to the subway station for the last time that night, and caught the quickest train home. the warm apartment was awfully welcoming – i was happy to finally be there. after a long chat with mariah, and a quick brush of my teeth, i settled down to blog for the night.

tomorrow will be my last day in the city, and i know it will be a bitter-sweet one.

hopefully it favors the latter.

nyc: day20.

today was another one of the greats, friends – a nice change of pace after yesterday.

i started off by sleeping in a little later than usual, which felt lovely. around eleven i was ready, and after a brief chat with my mom, i boarded the subway for times square. it was my plan to make today a double feature – theatrically speaking – and my first stop was the box office of a view from the bridge. kim had seen it a few days earlier and highly recommended it, and on top of that, it was receiving rave reviews. i didn’t need much more convincing.

upon arrival, i was a little shaken at the size of the line that had already formed. however, most of the individuals were buying tickets for later dates, so i needn’t have been worried. when i got up to the box office, i inquired about the availability of standing room tickets for that afternoon’s performance. the ticket man sized me up, checked his computer screen, and finally asked me how many tickets i intended to purchase.

“it’s just me,” i replied.

“well in that case, i can get you a seat in one of the boxes for $26.50 – it’s the same price as a standing room ticket and a heck of a lot better view.”

he didn’t have to ask me twice. i whipped out some cash and slid it under the window before he could change his mind.

jack. pot. thanks, guy.

feeling joyous, i headed down the street to the rock of ages box office. this new age musical featured not only a fun story line, but music i had grown up with – journey, pat benatar, reo speedwagon, and foreigner – to name just a few. i knew this was something i had to see.

unfortunately, when i arrived in the box office, the woman working (who might’ve taken a lesson from my other box office guy) not-so-nicely informed me that there would be no show that night.

shooty.

i didn’t let myself get too down, though – there were plenty of other shows to see. i finally decided on phantom of the opera, and lucky for me, i was able to get a ticket.

by this time, i had to get back over to a view from the bridge, as it was nearing two o’clock. as the usher showed me to my seat, i said a silent prayer that god would greatly bless the man who had sold me this ticket. it was an absolutely fantastic seat – full view and ample leg room – definitely my kind of theater.

arthur miller’s script was a challenging one, leaving me with questions and open endings right up to the curtain and beyond. in fact, i’m still thinking about it. the show starred two big time actors – liev schreiber and scarlett johannson – and they didn’t disappoint. i was captivated by their performances, especially schreiber. he was one hundred percent invested, and it was such a treat to watch. i was impressed with the rest of the cast as well, particularly jessica hecht, who played schreiber’s wife. during the two hours that the play progressed, i witnessed some genuinely raw moments. it was certainly a privilege to be present.

following the show, i lugged my laptop down the street to my favorite times square starbucks. i caught up on my blogs, sipped a hot tea, and watched the city go by – perfection in an afternoon.

around seven, i packed up my things and walked across the street to sephora – the mecca of make-up. even though i was going to tonight’s show alone, i wanted to do so in style. i walked through the revolving doors, sidled up to one of the make-up stations, and went to work. in five minutes time, i looked like a different girl – well, not different, but better. finally, i was ready for the show.

housed at the majestic theater, phantom of the opera is the longest running musical on broadway. i was excited to see it, as i had only seen the movie, and that was about four years ago. my seat was in the very last row of the mezzanine – comical, because the entire top section and most of the bottom section was empty. our usher – a small asian woman who spoke shrilly in her broken english – told us sympathetically that according to the theater’s policy, we must remain in our ticketed seats until intermission, but were then free to sit wherever there was room. this sounded ok to me, and as soon as the lights came up, i dashed to the seat i had stealthily selected – bottom section of the mezzanine, center of the third row. it was a fantastic seat, and i was proud of myself for not only spotting it, but securing it. all of the others had moved closer as well, but even still, there were so many seats leftover.

it was entirely unfathomable to me, then, that this other usher – a crazy looking woman with frizzy red hair – was running around and chasing people back up to their initial seating area. the place wasn’t even half full! the others protested, repeating what the asian lady usher had told us; however, the frizzy red head would not budge. single-handedly, she managed to move every person back to their original seat.

everyone except me.

i don’t know whether it was because i had moved so quickly – or because i sat in the middle of a group of people – that she didn’t notice me, but i was sure glad she didn’t. i was willing her not to. i just kept praying that the lights would go down already so i could let my breath out.

finally they did, and i was safe. score. big time.

the performance itself was such a delight. i had forgotten how much i once loved the score and the brilliance of andrew lloyd webber. it was like revisiting an old friend. every song brought back a new appreciation, and i felt as if i was being introduced to the musical for the first time. the spectacle of the set was brilliant as well – everything from the falling chandelier to the eerie candlelight of the phantom’s lair. vocally, the production was a pleasure, and it wasn’t until the final curtain that i realized the character of christine was played by an understudy. i would have never known – susan owen was amazing. the show was a lovely experience – i’m so glad i decided to go.

i made it back to the apartment safe and sound and crawled right into bed – a long day, but certainly a success.

‘night everybody.

nyc: day19.

today began too soon for me – too quickly.  i felt like i was forever trying to catch up – like the city was flying past me and i was stuck in place.  it was an off day, and i hate that.

i wish i knew why.

anyway, as soon as we were ready, jordan and i took off for times square.  we got there around eleven-thirty, and hurried to the theater housing a view from the bridge.  kim asked us to pick up a ticket for her, and luckily there were a few left.

our next stop was the time stands still box office.  we were lucky there also, and $27 dollars later, walked away with a pair of student rush tickets.

we boarded the subway again, this time for union square.  i had a couple of clothing returns to take care of, and there was a dress at forever21 that i had promised myself before going home.  after evaluating my previous purchases and the amount left in my bank account, i decided to compromise.  i could buy the dress (it was only $25), but at the expense of a few other things.  since i laid eyes on it two weeks ago, i hadn’t been able to push the dress from my mind – it was certainly worth a few returns, and i was determined to have it.

the first return was a cute little top from a place called felini’s basement.  unfortunately, there was only one woman working the customer service counter, so that return process took what seemed like forever – maybe because there was a woman in front of us that was attempting to return over $400 worth of merchandise, or maybe because the woman working couldn’t have cared less about her job, let alone the meaning of her title.

it could only get better from there.

our next stop was a store right next door called strawberry.  i had purchased a bright yellow plaid shirt for only $7.  i loved it, but that affection was nothing compared to what i felt for this infamous dress.  unfortunately, strawberry doesn’t offer returns on sale items. 

“oh, ok.. thanks anyway.”

great.

forever21 was the third stop, and i entered the store with high hopes.  those were dashed quickly, as my dress was nowhere to be found – absolutely nowhere.  i searched the entire store, my shoulders slumping more and more with each passing minute.  i was kicking myself for not buying the dress weeks ago when i’d first seen it. 

“it has to be here,” i thought.

nope.  sure wasn’t.  dumb.

extremely disappointed, i reluctantly gave up the search and left the store.  even a joke from jordan couldn’t cheer me up.

our final stop was a shop on canal street where i needed to exchange two pairs of leggings i got about ten days ago.  for some unapparent reason, it was very dim back by the legging rack, therefore causing me to purchase dark brown leggings instead of the black ones i had intended.

in my defense, they were really really dark brown.

this endeavor was yet another “bust” – apparently the leggings were also on sale and thus not available for exchange or return.  even after my pathetic pleading – “please sir, couldn’t i just put these back on the rack and grab a couple of black ones? i just got confused!” – the stone cold, broken-english-speaking man at the counter refused.

seriously?

feeling absolutely terrible, jordan and i boarded yet another subway – this time to 93^th street for our last sandwich duty.  i’m sure it’s no surprise that my heart wasn’t really in it today – however selfish that may be.  all i wanted was a gallon of steaming hot chai and a long long nap.

making it back to the apartment at last was a definitely a relief, and i wasted no time in steaming myself some spinach and tucking myself into bed.  jordan woke me at six, i threw my rumpled hair into a ponytail, and the two of us made our way over to kim’s.  still chilled to the bone from earlier, i gave in to my chai craving, treating myself to a tall-with-an-extra-pump. 

mmmm. back to my old self again.

the three of us headed up to broadway together, chatted briefly and then parted ways.  jordan and i took our seats in the mezzanine, peanut mm’s in hand (courtesy of kim).

i absolutely loved the show.  it was my first broadway straight show, and i’ll be honest, i didn’t miss the music tonight.  laura linney was fantastic and alicia silverstone gave an impressive performance as well.  i loved the plot, its surprises, and the way it challenged me.  the sound design was genius and the transitions flawless – a super super show.

following the production, jordan and i were able to get autographs from all four actors, definitely making up for my lousy day. each was so friendly and genuine – it was such a pleasure to meet them.

i am back at the apartment now, and my eyes are drooping as i close this entry.  the prospect of a new day excites and delights me.  until then, my friends.

 

p.s. thanks for sticking with me today, jordan.  i love and so cherish you.