my top three.

below are three of the most important lessons i learned from the city.

1.) it’s ok to want to be alone.

i’m not sure exactly when this happened, but i do know that at some point on my adventure, i discovered the beauty and simplicity of existing unaccompanied. in such a vast and crowded city, one might assume being alone to be impossible, but it isn’t so. new york taught me how to slip like a ghost into the crowd – to become invisible – and i loved it. she swallowed me and sheltered me, and in the silence that is this city’s roar, i was reintroduced to myself.

2.) my dream can be attained.

i think i went into this new york experience with much more doubt than i realized – doubt in my future, in myself. for example, people are always asking my parents how i like school.

“what is she studying?” they inquire.
“oh she loves it,” they tell everyone. “she’s studying theater.”

this is most often followed with an “oh good”, a semi-genuine smile, slight pause, and then, “what does she plan on doing with that?”

my parents take turns answering this one, but their answers are always the same.
“well, she’s going to act.”

their answer seems confident and matter-of-fact, but truthfully, i know they are as scared for me as whomever they are speaking with. this business is a tough one – and they do want so desperately for me to succeed – yet in the back of their minds they are aware of what a slim chance that actually is. from the very start, they’ve done their best to keep me grounded, humble, and realistic. however, when i arrived in new york and began seeing musicals with my own eyes, i was immediately conflicted. on one hand, i was desperately afraid of never getting my own chance in the spotlight, and on the other hand, my confidence was boosted immensely.

“i can sing just as good as these women can,” i remember thinking. “i can act too. i have a big smile and a warm, open heart. i know now, more than ever, that this is going to happen for me.”

and it will. attainable dream. period.

3.) first impressions deserve second chances.

i spent a month in the city of the stage with six other people – only one of whom i really knew. i had preconceived notions attached to everyone – no exceptions – and yet one of my favorite parts of my adventure was watching everyone’s curtain rise, revealing souls that i had never seen, people i hadn’t taken the time to know. new york taught me new things about each person, things i see now and love. i cultivated relationships, and i walked away with a couple of the best i’ve had.

thanks, nyc, for shoving me out of my comfort zone and into the lives of some truly amazing individuals.

soup line.

(from our very first time serving the soup line, this monologue has been forming in my thoughts. it needs to be worked and developed, but i'd like to think there is a little potential lurking somewhere.)

oh my gosh, what am i doing here? i don’t belong. i don’t know what i thought this would be like, but whatever it was, it’s not. these people are judging me, i know it..

they are probably thinking “what a stupid, spoiled little white girl – shivering and trying to look friendly. of course she’s cold, she’s wearing a disgusting little designer skirt and tights.. well that’s too bad, little lady. what the hell do you know about being hungry, anyway? about being poor?”

i can see contempt in their eyes and on their faces, and they have every right to look that way. they’re right. i’ve never known what it’s like to go hungry or to spend a night on a park bench. i don’t know what it feels like to wonder where or when the next meal is coming or to wander in search of shelter on a bitter cold night.

but the thing is, i do know what it’s like to feel alone – to feel that every person, just for a moment, has completely turned their back. i promise, you guys, i can identify with you there.

and so go ahead, make assumptions and judge me too harshly. but do know this: know that today, at this moment, one less person is turning their back, and one more is stepping out of her comfort zone into the battle that is your life.